Leaders Listen

Mick Daly (Elder, Purpose Leader: Leader Development)
February/March 2008

During January, Pastor Doug introduced us to the C@C Covenant Partnership – the next stage in the journey God has been leading us on over the past few years. Key aspects of this covenant are Life Journaling and Discipleship Partnership.

We are called to be in a ‘Discipleship Partnership’ with one, two or three others in C@C – we call them Buddy’s. This will help us to grow spiritually, to become Holy-Spirit empowered and equipped for our God-given mission. Every one of us will be influencing, and being influenced by, those we partner with. That influence is Leadership – nothing more, nothing less (as John Maxwell says).

In these Discipleship Partnerships our most important influence, the most valuable contribution,  will be how well we listen.

Life Journaling will equip us for that leadership and for listening. If I first listen to God as I work through my Life Journal, day by day, I will learn to recognize and hear His voice and my love for Him will deepen. Then I will be better able to listen to others, and my love for them, and influence over them, will grow accordingly.

Listening is the ultimate tool, the first and final frontier of personal, spiritual development, whether we are listening to God, really listening to our Discipleship Buddy’s questions, or really listening to their answers. The cutting edge of my own growth as a leader, husband, father, friend, partner, has been, and always will be, to become a better listener, especially listening to my Heavenly Father.

The role of the leader is changing, argues Ronald Heifetz, one of the world's leading authorities on leadership. Heifetz says the new role of a leader is "to help people face reality and to mobilize them to make change." Wouldn’t that be a great mission statement for our C@C Discipleship Partnerships?! ‘Facing reality’ is not about telling someone what’s real, it’s asking and listening so both can discover and face reality.

Listening does not come naturally. It must be cultivated. For most of us, our instinct is to tune others out, composing in our minds what we are going to say, then interrupting to make our point. That’s not the basis for a good conversation leading to a relationship of trust – the prerequisite for an effective Discipleship Partnership or any relationship.

Heart-centered listening is foundational in building trust. It is the key that unlocks resistance and opens up the door to a person’s real needs and desires. When we listen from the heart, others feel respected, valued and empowered to give their best. They will also listen when we do speak.

Our best model for listening (as for every other worthwhile behavior) is, of course, Jesus! My favorite picture of Jesus listening is recounted in John 8:1-11. In verses 6-8 I imagine Jesus “writing on the ground with his finger” for a long, long time; note he is not drawing, he is writing – I wonder what?  He is not talking; he is really listening: i) to His Father; ii) to the hearts of the woman’s accusers; iii) to her heart. Jesus is the best listener of all time.

As followers of Jesus, we must learn to listen like Jesus. When we take the time to really listen, and ask questions, both for clarification and to go deeper, we will also hear our Father, just as Jesus did consistently. Our words will be the Father’s words, delivered by the Holy Spirit, when we are really taking the time to listen.

While listening is one of the most difficult yet vital aspects of becoming an effective leader and Discipleship Buddy, in time we will all find that it’s better and easier to just listen, than to think about what to say! In the roughest storms who knows what to say anyway?!

Here’s the problem: many of us are addicted to our words and opinions. Noise is normal. We’re scared to death of silence. We’re convinced that if we’re not talking, nothing really is happening. No wonder we’re such lousy listeners.

The best antidote to this is the desire to listen; we must want to listen - an outgrowth of the two most important commandments (Matt. 22:37-39). Good listening is fueled by curiosity and empathy: ‘What's really happening here? Can I put myself in her shoes?’ It's hard to be a great listener if you're not interested in (and do not love) other people.

What does real listening look like? When we listen, we: patiently wait until the other person finishes; thoughtfully delay giving out more information; consciously surrender the urge to state or defend our position; and intentionally stop talking about ourselves. So pause, stop what you are doing, and give the other person the best gift that you have: your full attention, your complete presence. When we pause and listen, we are saying without words: ‘you are worth my time’; ‘I respect what you think’; ‘there’s no place I’d rather be right now than right here with you’.

Listen… for Heaven’s Sake!

"Do what you love in the service of others who love what you do"